Every day I wake up and just can’t wait to see how the world is going to unravel just a little bit more than the day before.
Oh, we’ve got some serious issues and problems to deal with. Systemic hatred that should have been long gone, a killer virus that people insist isn’t that bad, etc. You know what’s going on.
But then, the other day, it was announced that when HBO Max revives the Looney Tunes cartoon franchise, Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd will no longer carry guns.
Can I tell you how relieved I am that this long-time threat has finally been removed and we can all walk the streets of Toontown without fear. Now, before you judge me as a “Second Amendment or Die” type of person (because people feel the need to instantly decide what other people are thinking these days), I’m not. I support the right to own guns for protection, for sport, for shooting practice–that’s what the forefathers had in mind. They did not imagine automatic weapons that can mow people down as a fundamental right. And when your laws don’t prevent mentally unbalanced people from owning these kinds of weapons, yes, you have a problem.
But this was meant to be light-hearted, so let’s get back to the original premise. I think if you’re going to take the cartoon weapons away from Elmer and Sam, you need to empty out all of those Warner Brothers cartoons so that it’s safe for young kids to look up from their single-shooter video games to watch a non-threatening cartoon.
I mean, after all, video games have never had a role in the mass shootings that have increased over the years. All this time, these dastardly deeds were carried out because no one could agree if it was Duck Season or Wabbit Season.
So, we’ve taken the guns away from those two characters. Let’s keep going:
We need to immediately confiscate Marvin the Martian‘s Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. I get tired of his constant threats of blowing up the earth so he’ll have a better view.
Where do you begin with Wile E. Coyote? I mean, you could take away his anvil (after all, when anvils are outlawed, only outlaws and blacksmiths will have anvils). A better plan would to put him on a banned list so he could never shop again at Acme Products. Besides, Wile E., I think you could probably get a better price on Amazon.
Obviously, we need to remove the teeth of the Tasmanian Devil. Then, his biggest threat would be covering you with his slobber.
I’m going to assume that Pepe LePew is no longer acceptable with the ban on police using teargas and other harmful chemicals.
As for Sylvester the Cat, with our new, kinder, more gentler attitude towards the world, instead of constantly chasing after Tweety, maybe he should be required to go after Tweets and we can land him some kind of communications job at the White House.
And while we have no photographic proof, I’m fairly certain its just a matter of time before we see Foghorn Leghorn standing next to a confederate flag.
Oh, there are more Looney Tunes characters that have been brain-washing the youth of America. But if we right the above-mentioned wrongs, it’ll be a giant step forward to doing something.
What? I don’t exactly know.