Right before the start of the New Year, I like to polish the old crystal ball (no really, I polish it. That’s not an euphemism) and create a collection of bold predictions of things I feel will happen in the year to come. I make them with 100% accuracy. Oh, they’re rarely correct, but it’s accurate to say that I always make them.
Nostradamus actually predicted the world would end in 2018. Then again, he also had the Mariners winning the World Series last year.
So, bet the house–here’s what I predict will happen in 2018:
- President Donald Trump will post something offensive and awkward on Twitter. (OK, that’s my one softball)
- A small girl from Kansas will throw a bucket of water on Hillary Clinton, causing her to melt.
- Disney expands their Star Wars franchise by launching a new TV series, “Dancing with the Ewoks!”
- Meryl Streep admits she knew it all along. Then reveals she meant that “She Devil” was her worst movie ever.
- Bernie Sanders gives a riveting, 20-minute speech about the unfairness of our society. No one in the bathroom is impressed.
- Al Franken announces that he’ll run for president as the candidate of the newly-formed “Honky-Honky” Party.
- In an incident that causes Jeff Bezos to give up drinking, he gets so stewed one night that he actually buys Amazon from himself.
- Speaking of Amazon, they introduce 30-minute deliveries of all beef products. Their new service is called Amazon Prime Rib.
- The Seattle Times announces they are replacing all newspaper delivery boys with drones. Both of the remaining subscribers express concern.
- YouTube introduces a new channel for video selfies, called MeTube.
- Russia Vladimir Putin wins re-election by a landslide, two months before the actual election.
- France bans Smartphones from elementary schools starting in September. In a popular move, congress votes to ban all cell phones from the oval office. Thank you.
- After fighting bankruptcy for years, Sears finally closes all of their stores. However, no one notices until 2019.
- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle exchange vows in a ceremony performed by Mr. Bean. Meghan honors the memory of Benny Hill by tying a piece of elastic to her bouquet for the toss.
- In December, Mommy accuses Santa Claus of forcibly kissing her, underneath the mistletoe last night.
- In North Korea, Kim John-un is finally forced out and replaced by Christopher Plummer.
- Melania Trump records a song to raise money for charity. The way it works is, if you make a donation, she won’t release it.
- Garrison Keillor attempts a comeback, changing the name of his fictional town of Lake Wobegon, to Lake Whoa-is-Me!
- Finally, TaylorMade announces the first ever self-driving golf ball, allowing golfers to focus on what’s really important–tracking down the beer cart.
I had to hurry up and get this list out before they all come true. Thanks for stopping by throughout the year and letting me take you on a tour of what’s running through my mind.
Have a very Happy New Year and all the best in 2018.
Notice I didn’t include my prediction about you and that…well, enough said.
Tim, have you considered sending some of your material to the late-nite TV hosts? You could be a comedy writer. This is great stuff!
Thanks, Jason. Actually, contributed to Jay Leno for 10 years for his monologues through White Collar Comedy, and then when he went away, so did that gig. So, these days, it goes to Radio Online to help jocks be funnier around the world. Thanks for the kind words.