Right before the start of the New Year, I like to polish the old crystal ball (no really, I polish it. That’s not an euphemism) and create a collection of bold predictions of things I feel will happen in the year to come. I make them with 100% accuracy. Oh, they’re rarely correct, but it’s accurate to say that I always make them.
Nostradamus actually predicted the world would end in 2018. Then again, he also had the Mariners winning the World Series last year.
So, bet the house–here’s what I predict will happen in 2018:
- President Donald Trump will post something offensive and awkward on Twitter. (OK, that’s my one softball)
- A small girl from Kansas will throw a bucket of water on Hillary Clinton, causing her to melt.
- Disney expands their Star Wars franchise by launching a new TV series, “Dancing with the Ewoks!”
- Meryl Streep admits she knew it all along. Then reveals she meant that “She Devil” was her worst movie ever.
- Bernie Sanders gives a riveting, 20-minute speech about the unfairness of our society. No one in the bathroom is impressed.
- Al Franken announces that he’ll run for president as the candidate of the newly-formed “Honky-Honky” Party.
- In an incident that causes Jeff Bezos to give up drinking, he gets so stewed one night that he actually buys Amazon from himself.
- Speaking of Amazon, they introduce 30-minute deliveries of all beef products. Their new service is called Amazon Prime Rib.
- The Seattle Times announces they are replacing all newspaper delivery boys with drones. Both of the remaining subscribers express concern.
- YouTube introduces a new channel for video selfies, called MeTube.
- Russia Vladimir Putin wins re-election by a landslide, two months before the actual election.
- France bans Smartphones from elementary schools starting in September. In a popular move, congress votes to ban all cell phones from the oval office. Thank you.
- After fighting bankruptcy for years, Sears finally closes all of their stores. However, no one notices until 2019.
- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle exchange vows in a ceremony performed by Mr. Bean. Meghan honors the memory of Benny Hill by tying a piece of elastic to her bouquet for the toss.
- In December, Mommy accuses Santa Claus of forcibly kissing her, underneath the mistletoe last night.
- In North Korea, Kim John-un is finally forced out and replaced by Christopher Plummer.
- Melania Trump records a song to raise money for charity. The way it works is, if you make a donation, she won’t release it.
- Garrison Keillor attempts a comeback, changing the name of his fictional town of Lake Wobegon, to Lake Whoa-is-Me!
- Finally, TaylorMade announces the first ever self-driving golf ball, allowing golfers to focus on what’s really important–tracking down the beer cart.
I had to hurry up and get this list out before they all come true. Thanks for stopping by throughout the year and letting me take you on a tour of what’s running through my mind.
Have a very Happy New Year and all the best in 2018.
Notice I didn’t include my prediction about you and that…well, enough said.